Inscrutable India: A Rough Guide

Origin: Origin of India is a confusing one. The confusion is caused by Columbus when he decided to discover India in a different location. Despite significant migration in the later part of the twentieth century, the relocation was never completed, and the confusion persists. Even today, inhabitants of widely spread call centers across the country insist they are from the land where Columbus wanted to relocate India.

Etymology: Contrary to popular myth, the name India is not derived from old Indo-European languages, but based on modern day English. It is not a reference to valley based civilization, but computer generated acronym. INDIA: Island of Native Dravidians and Invading Aryans.

History: India claims to have a long history, but it was so long that everyone fell asleep. This continued until at the end British came to India to do business. Unhappy with the two mere centuries of exploitation of the cheap labor by the British, India got independence in 1947. With the new found freedom, India started independently contracting its cheap labor to the rest of the world. India also has some old stories or Puranas.

Government: Despite being the land of cows, Indian government is bicameral. It is the only secular government that uses religion to get elected, writes different laws for different religions, and demands declaration of religion as mandatory.

Constitution: It is the last installment of the Indian epic trilogy series. Though it is thicker than the first two, Ramayana and Mahabharata, it is light on story, plot development, and drama. No wonder it never inspired a single movie, or a long serial, or even a short telefilm. Also, it is devoid of any catchy tunes: contrary to the rumor, the mildly popular tune Jana Gana Mana is not from constitution. As a result, Indians are unaware of its existence, and it fails to have any impact of Indian lives.

Politics: India has the most populous and least popular democracy in the world. In Indian democracy, power is passed down along the family name. It is the only socialist democracy that is ruled by a corporation called the Inc (Indian National Congress). There are many spin offs from this parent company, but there is always an active exchange program between them.

Philosophy: Karma and reincarnation are the cornerstones of Indian philosophy. The law of Karma says no deed goes unpunished. The rule of reincarnation assures Indians that there are plenty of lives to come. As a result, Indians practice procrastination with passion resulting in a nation of believers and bystanders.

Economy: To lure unsuspecting investors, India has taken two major steps: opened up its market and named its stock index sensex. Recently, India is claming a thriving economy supported by huge child labor and adult unemployment.

Cuisine: India is the land of curries, first invented in Britain. The hotness of curry comes from red chili pepper, which comes from the other India where Columbus wanted to relocate. Remember the color coding: red pepper from red Indians; black pepper from black Indians. India boasts to have the most extensive and extravagant cuisine in the most malnourished land.

Literature: Indian literary tradition began with oral form of the golden days of Ramayana, and matured into the pictorial form of modern day Amar Chitra Katha without ever going though the awkward stage of written words. As a result, Indian writers frequently use other languages such as English.

People: India has one of the largest population but few Indians. In India there are Assamese, Gujarati, Punjabi, Tamil, and others but not many Indians. Most of the Indian live abroad. People in India love to multiply and divide. They exhaust all possible combinations to form smaller and smaller groups, and all of them are far superior to the rest. What binds them together is their love for movies, music from movies, and mobile. Men revere their goddesses, fear their mother, admire others’ wives, abuse their wives, and spoil their daughters. Women spend their lives preparing for marriage, getting married, and hating their marriage.

Custom: Indians use right hand for food, and left hand for bribe. They donate money to their god, and collect money from their bride. During major religious ceremony, the rich get to starve, and the poor get to eat. Indians burn dead bodies and living wives. In India, if a man holds his own hand, it is greeting; if he holds another man’s hand, it is friendship, if he holds his own wife’s hand, it is indecent. Custom dictates that women hide their face and expose their midriff.

Last word: India is confusing as a nation. India is comforting as a notion.